Asking for what you want—and setting boundaries around what
you don’t want—is a key life skill. But sometimes in our enthusiasm to practice
this skill, we over-do our own assertiveness and end up with a partner who
shuts down, gets angry or feels resentful. Here are four tips for developing
your assertiveness in a way that will actually strengthen, deepen and enrich
your relationship—thus avoiding the “alienation trap”:
1.
Get Clear.
Being assertive starts with
knowing what you are—and aren’t—willing to be, do, or have. For many of us,
coming to this knowledge is a real task unto itself. Here, it may be useful to
ask: “In an ideal world, what would I like to happen?” Focusing on an ideal
outcome opens our minds, prevents us from falling into passivity or
“victim-thinking,” and helps us get really clear on what we want and don’t
want.
2.
Set
Boundaries.
Once you know what outcome you
need (or want), share it with your partner. Pay attention to the way stating
your boundary feels in your body. With practice, you can actually sense when
you’re hitting the “sweet spot.” It can feel really pleasurable, even
exhilarating, to express your needs or desires out loud. Phrases like “such and
such doesn’t work for me” are simple
ways of being assertive while maintaining connection with your partner.
3.
Make a
Regular Habit of Stating Your Needs and Desires.
You can build your
assertiveness the same way you build any muscle: exercise. Practice speaking up
about your needs, big or small, on a daily basis. When you speak up about things that are less
controversial—such as where to go to dinner, requesting help unloading the
dishwasher or what TV program to watch—both you and your partner get used to
your assertiveness. It becomes easier for you to practice and for your partner
to hear. Also, when bigger issues come along, you and your partner will have a
healthy process in place for dealing with differences in needs, and you’ll have
greater confidence in the resilience of your partnership.
4.
Give as Much
as You Get.
Assertiveness is a two-way street. If you want your
boundaries to be respected, you must return the courtesy to your partner. If
she doesn’t want you to use the bathroom when she’s in the shower, don’t. If he
asks you to give him a half an hour after work before you talk and connect,
respect that. When it comes to following through on a partner’s reasonable
request, actions really do speak louder than words.
If your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries even though
you’ve set them clearly, it may be time for professional help for you and/or
your relationship.
